blogistics inc

Projects in the works

2008-08-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

A few other idea's I'm preparing to flesh out a bit include:

1. A spy thriller set in Northern New Jersey during World War One.
2. A super-hero story set in post-Katrina New Orleans
3. The Alternate Presidency of Al Gore-a short story
4. An alternate history of the War of 1812
5. A 19th Century detective story set in a world where France is the dominant power in the world following Napoleon's victories in Europe.

Any input on these ideas, help with titles, etc. would be much appreicated

Furor Gallicus: What if France had not fallen in World War Two?

2008-08-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

Heres an excerpt from an alternate history scenario I've been working on. Here, France manages to survive the initial Nazi onslaught in the spring of 1940, drastically changing the course of World War Two.

Winter 1939-1940: The rival plans

The Polish surrender on September 27, 1939, left the Third Reich to turn to the West and face down the Anglo-French alliance that had thus far been ineffective in halting German aggression. For their part, the Allies were left to contemplate how best to prosecute the war against Fascism. The bitter winter that year prevented any kind of operational movements, and the General Staffs on both sides were left to contemplate how best to prosecute the upcoming 1940 campaign.

In the West, the Allied staffs formulated what became known as Plan D. It was obvious to both sides that the main arena of battle in 1940 would be the Low Countries (Belgium, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands). Since the Franco-German frontier was defended by the formidable fortifications of the Maginot Line, the Belgian route offered the only alternative for an invasion route (as it had in 1914). Perceiving this threat, General Maurice Gamilin, the Allied C. in C, planned to send the British Expeditionary Force (B.E.F) and one French Corps into Belgium to the River Escaut. Here the allied force would entrench and await the arrival of the retreating Belgian Army. However, the Escaut plan was flawed in that it only safeguarded a small portion of Belgium, as well as extending the overall frontage that the Allies had to defend. Thus, the Allied command altered the plan to the much more ambitious Dyle Plan (Plan D). This called for the BEF, the French 1^st Army, and part of the French 9^th Army to advance all the way to the Dyle River, east of Brussels. This put a much larger area of Belgium under allied protection while at the same time shortening the overall frontage of their armies. During early 1940 the Allied High Command considered an even more ambitious variant of Plan D, featuring the so called “Breda maneuver.” This entailed sending the French 7^th Army all the way to Breda, in the southern Netherlands, thus linking the Dutch army (9 infantry divisions) to the Allied formation to the south. However, after an intense debate within allied high command it was decided to abandon the Breda maneuver, as it would: a) give the 7^th army the impossible task of advancing some 200 kilometers to a position that would in all likelihood already be occupied by the enemy, and b) deprive the First Army Group[1] its only mobile reserve. Thus it was decided to shelve the Breda maneuver in favor of the original Plan D, despite the fact that this meant Dutch would be left to fend for themselves.[2]

A similar debate was taking place in the German High Command. The German plan, Fall Gleb was a modified version of the 1914-vintage von Schlieffen Plan. Army Group B (Fedor von Bock) was tasked with marching into Belgium north of the Meuse, while Army Group A (Gerd von Rundstedt) was to operate on Bock’s southern Flank in a supporting role. The key to this plan was the drive of Bock’s 4^th Army (Gunther von Kluge), reinforced with the majority of the Reich’s Panzer divisions, was to drive through the Gembloux gap[3] and north to the sea, trapping and destroying the allied forces defending Brussels. The original plan called for only the small corner of Southern Holland around Maastricht to be violated; it was hoped that the Dutch would not view this as a casus beli and remain neutral. However, Goring feared that Holland could become a base for British air and Sea power, and the plan was modified to allow for the conquest of the Netherlands by the 18^th Army (von Kuchler). The conquest of Holland would also provide air and sea bases for Germany to attack Britain. German High Command did not believe they could achieve a complete victory in 1940; Fall Gleb was intended for the seizure of the Low Contries and France as far south as the Somme. From here air attacks and U-Boats strikes could be launched against the British, while the Whermacht could continue to pose a threat to the heart of France.

The limited objectives of the offensive caused a major debate within the German High Command. Conservative generals like Bock and Brauchits (the German Chief of Staff) respected the power of the French Army and feared the consequences of an more ambitious offensive. Opposing them were Hienz Guderian, architect of the Blitzkrieg tactics that had brought Germany success in Poland, and Erich von Manstien, a staff officer with a bold mind for strategy. Manstien advocated the transfer of the bulk of the Panzerwaffe to Army Group A, where it would strike through the lightly defended Ardennes Forest region, cross the Meuse, and drive to the Channel. Furthermore Manstien’s plan called for the use of paratroopers, untested in combat thus far, to drop into the heart of Holland to bring about a quick end to that campaing, and an airborne assault on the Belgian border fortress of Eben Emeal. Manstien’s plan drew support from the bold Guderian, as well as Runstedt, who favored the more important role his army would play in Manstien’s plan. The conservative general’s opposed the plan on grounds that, even in Poland German tanks had proven vulnerable and the Luftwaffe had suffered heavier losses than expected.[4] While Hitler had been lukewarm on the original Fall Gleb plan, he also remembered the failure of the over-ambitious Schlieffen plan in 1914. He was also aware that the German war industry was not as strong as he would have the world to believe, and any disaster involving the Panzers would be difficult to make up for. Additionally, he believed conquering the Low Countries would be enough to convince the Allies to abandon their war and make peace, so he could turn to the Bolshevik East that he truly desired to destroy. Eventually Hitler ordered a compromise: the main weight of the offensive would lie with Army Group B, with 2 Panzer divisions driving east with 6^th army and 4 moving through the Gembloux Gap with the 4th, while Army group A would receive 2 Panzer divisions to exploit any unforeseen breakthrough on the Meuse. Additonally, 1 Panzer division would be attached to 18^th Army to crack the Dutch fortification system. The untested paratroops would be kept in reserve for a possible strike against the Maginot Line, or even England. Thus Manstien’s plan was shelved for good, and Germany was to go into the 1940 campaign with a more modest version of the Plan which had failed in 1914. [5]

[1] French First Army Group ( General Billotte) consisted of the BEF, and the French 1^st, 2^nd, 9^th, and 7^th Armies. It was responsible for the front between the Maginot Line and the Channel.

[2] In actuality, the Allies did adopt the Breda Maneuver in 1940, which was a major reason for the subsequent disaster,

[3] East of Brussels the Dyle River and Albert Canal formed a considerable obstacle to tanks and mechanized forces, while to the south the River Meuse provided a similar barrier. However, around the village of Gembloux, a gap existed between the Dyle and the Meuse, and the flat open country in the area was perfect for tank operations.

[4] Until 1941, the Bulk of Germany’s tanks were Mark I’s and Mark II’s, neither of which was suited for combat.

[5] In reality, Manstien’s plan was adopted, and the bold strike through the Ardennes contributed to Germany’s great victory. While Hitler did indeed like Manstien’s ideas, the definitive decision to adopt them only came after a German plane carrying the original plan crashed in Belgium in January 1940, thus compromising its secrecy.

Civil War excerpt

2008-08-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

Heres a look at a very rough draft from a story about a a second war between the states set 20 years or so from the present day. Right now this is just a preliminary sketch, and a number of revisions will be needed before ill be satisfied, but I want to just get this up as a start.

Ch. 1

The tanks rolled through in mid-April, first the ones fighting for the Federal Government, the ones with that CNN and MSNBC referred to as loyalist, the ones manned by the regular army soldiers, at least those that hadn’t deserted when their home states joined the coalition. Within a day another wave of armor came by, these manned by the soldiers Fox News referred to as loyalist, the men and women who chose to fight for the status quo of the last two decades, not the political upheaval of the last six months. At least that’s how the Coalition and their cable news mouthpieces referred to them. The fighting wasn’t particularly severe; for the first week or two no one in the country really seemed to know what to do or how to act, civil wars being a rather uncommon occurrence in the United States. What was clear was that the bulk of the Army and a good portion of the other services hailed from states in the South, the Midwest, and the rural areas of the Northeast. They were patriots, they came almost universally from humble origins, and they had all been raised to think of the word “liberal” as a kind of insult and that Democrats were weak leaders who would destroy their way of life. In retrospect, it was unsurprising that the only men left to fight for the President were the few liberal intellectuals, idealists, and those blindly loyal to the Federal government who had chosen to enlist.

The end of March saw hastily assembled Coalition forces mass in Virginia and drive over the Potomac. All three networks showed footage of President Hurston’s helicopter evacuating the Rose Garden and fleeing northward to New York City, followed by images of Coalition troops marching through the capital the next day. The army had been beaten to the punch, that much became clear to the entire country over the next week as conservative forces conquered Baltimore, Annapolis, and crossed the Susquehanna. The Federal government moved as whatever troops they could find to Pennsylvania and New Jersey in an attempt to stem the conservative tide, but to no avail. The forces defending Philadelphia were outflanked to the north, and soon the hodgepodge of army regulars, national guardsmen and raw recruits were in full retreat back to New York City. New York was the true prize, the gleaming symbol, the throbbing heart of the liberal, cosmopolitan northeast. President Hurston gave a speech from Time Square declaring he would not abandon the city, that the Federal retreat stopped there. Once again the coalition drove to the north, over the Hudson and cut the city’s last lines of land communication. By late April, the eyes of the world turned to the Big Apple, and the summer siege that had already begun. Other fronts, along the Ohio and in the Midwest, remained inactive with too few troops covering too much ground, a halfhearted coalition advanced towards Chicago, the Democrat’s de facto capital, never got off the ground. That summer the eyes of the nation turned to the iron ring around Gotham, the city’s life or death an indicator of the viability of liberal politics in 21^st century America.

George Hazlet had never been to New Jersey before. In fact, he’d never been anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Few boys from rural South Carolina traveled much in their early years, and Hazlet was no exception. His first time out of state came with his enlistment in the army at age 18. All of his training took place in the South alas, culminating in his service at Fort Hood Texas. George Hazlet’s first trip outside of Dixie came 2 weeks after his 20^th birthday when his brigade was deployed to Iraq. George’s tour-of-duty was one of the last for Americans before the withdrawal, but he would be back.

Hazlet smiled to himself as he stared out the window of his staff car at the rolling hills and fields along the highway, thinking of the first return to Iraq to stabilize the government, and the second 4 years after that. By that point I was an officer, he thought. It took over a decade, but between his experience, his battlefield record, and his time at OCS, the farm boy from South Carolina became an officer, and as his success fighting insurgents south of Tikrit proved, a damn good one.

“How much longer do we have to go, corporal?” he asked his driver.

“According to the GPS, another 15 miles, sir,” replied Corporal Jim Waxman. Hazlet could tell they were getting close, what had been countryside was no replaced with suburban sprawl. They had also moved onto a larger highway. Wherever this Morristown place was, it was assured to be better than the headquarters he served at in Columbia. Iraq was no resort, not by a long shot, but it was downright pleasant compared to what he went through in South America. Still, four years as an officer in Iraq and another had left him a captain, and his peacetime service plus three more years in Columbia left him a full colonel…and retired.

A sign over the highway informed him he was five miles from Morristown, and they were already beginning to pass other military vehicles on the highway. It occurred to Hazlet that in the entire ride north from Philadelphia he had barely said two words to his driver.

“Where are you from soldier?” he asked.

“Dallas, sir, just north there actually,” replied the young Waxman, his accent doing nothing to hide the truth of his statement.

“A Texan eh? I was stationed at Fort Hood back when I was an active soldier, I always had great men from Texas under my command,” Hazlet explained.

“Well, I just hope I can live up to their accomplishments sir,” Waxman stated cautiously.

“You’re not a regular, are you corporal?”

“No, sir. I’m a volunteer. I joined up right after the first shots were fired, my family are all Republicans; I wanted to help fight for what we all believe in,” Waxman explained.

“Fantastic, Waxman. I’m a volunteer too, you know. I’ve been out of the army for years, but when this conflict broke out, I wanted to serve again, just like yourself.” Hazlet continued “Don’t you worry one bit. We’re ‘gonna lick these Yankee liberal bastards in no time, and you’ll be back in Texas by the end of the summer to tell your family how brave you were.” George Hazlet may have been a dedicated soldier, but he was also a family man, and when his wife had a second son, and George’s command was withdrawn from Columbia, he decided he’d had enough. Enough, that was, until the War Between the States broke out. The Coalition was still fairly disorganized when it came to procuring and deploying troops, but one letter to his governor and George’s name was brought to the attention of Coalition military leaders. A decorated officer, with years of counter-insurgency experience, was a useful man to have around, no matter how short the war lasted. George got a phone call, was told the army had work for him in New Jersey, and two days later he was in uniform and on an airplane to Philadelphia.

“Sir, we’ve arrived,” Waxman informed him. Sure enough they were parked outside Morristown High School, which had temporarily been converted to the headquarters for the Coalition’s 2^nd Brigade, 7^th Light Infantry Division. The building was at the base of a hill, surrounded by a residential area on one side and small shops and buildings on the other leading towards the town’s business district. Hazlet stepped out of the car and immediately sighted a number of men hustling out the school. The man in the lead had three stars on his shoulders.

The men exchanged salutes, and the highest ranking among them spoke. “George Hazlet, thanks for coming on such short notice. I’m Lieutenant-General Harry Span, C. in C. III Corps. We’re restructuring our command structure here and a new position opened up and I thought that you were the best man for the job. Welcome to your new headquarters.”

“My headquarters, sir?” the surprised Hazlet asked incredulously.

“Thtat’s right Hazlet, you’re the new military governor of northern New Jersey.

sitcom

2008-08-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Heres a look at the sitcom, treat it as a comedy play i guess. Special thanks to Jaime and Tim for their help.
Comments are welcome and appreciated

TEASER

FADE IN

INT. RADIO STUDIO-AFTERNOON

(Doug, Chris)

(Doug and Chris are seated in a radio studio, each with their own microphones. doug is wearing jeans and a marroon dress shirt, chris cargo pants and an orange track jacket, with signature red white and blue sweat band in his hair”

CHRIS

Well that just about wraps things up for this show. Before we go, Doug, what are you doing this weekend?

DOUG

Amy’s got a shopping trip planned for tonight, other than that, I don’t know.

CHRIS

(sarcastically) Shopping? That sounds like fun.

DOUG

I don’t really mind shopping, just as long as I don’t get stuck in a bunch of, you know, "chick stores" all night, but Amy’s usually pretty good about not letting that happen.

CHRIS

Usually?

DOUG

Well, she is a girl. (laughs) I guess we’ll see.

CHRIS

(insinuating something) Yes...she certainly is... Well, I guess we’ll find out.

END OF TEASER.

CUT TO:

OPENING SEQUENCE

FADE IN

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

INT. WOMAN’S CLOTHING STORE AT SHOPPING MALL-NIGHT

(Doug, Amy)

(Doug and Amy are in a women’s clothing store. Amy is intently examining two shirts that appear exactly the same. Doug is standing a few feet behind her looking half-way between bored and agonized)

AMY

(holding up shirts)-What do you think?

DOUG

They’re both nice.

AMY

You’re no help. Which one do you like better?

DOUG

The one on the left I guess.

AMY

Really? I like the other one better.

Doug sighs and rolls his eyes. Amy goes back to looking at the shirts. Doug retreats to a few feet behind her.

AMY

Stop hovering.

DOUG

What?

AMY

You’re hovering. (Doug stares at her quizzically) I don’t like it when you stand behind me like that. You’re making me nervous. Stand in front of me.

DOUG

I can’t stand in front of you. There’s a rack of clothes there.

AMY

You’re mad aren’t you. You’re having a terrible time.

DOUG

No I’m not.

AMY

Yes you are. I can see it in your face. You looked pissed.

DOUG

I always look like that.

AMY

I can hear it in you voice.

DOUG

I’m not having a terrible time.

AMY

Then what’s wrong?

DOUG

It’s just that we’ve been here for three hours. I thought you wanted to be back by nine. We’ve only been to four stores, it seems like you’ve looked at, like, two dozen shirts and you haven’t even bought anything yet.

AMY

You’re the one who wanted to go to the mall tonight.

DOUG

Yeah, I wanted to go to the mall to walk around, maybe buy a few things, get something to eat. Not to stand here and give you bad fashion advice for three hours.

AMY

(looking annoyed) do you want to leave?

DOUG

Do you?

AMY

I asked you!

DOUG

It’s up to you.

AMY

(frustrated-) why can’t you just be decisive?

DOUG

(EXASPERATED) Sorry. Can we just please go soon? (Amy makes a pouty FACE) (PAUSE) (DOUG SIGHS) We can go to one more store I guess.

AMY

Okay. (Smiles) I have a treat for you for putting up with this all night.

DOUG

What’s that?

AMY

(flirtatiously)- Well, we could go over to Victoria’s Secret, and you could help me pick something out.

DOUG

(blushing) Okay!

ACT ONE

Scene 2

INT. VICTORIA’S SECRET-NIGHT

(Doug, Amy)

AMY

So see anything you like?

DOUG

(Noticeably Flustered) Umm, what do you like?

AMY

(holding up a "racy" bra) –What do you think?

DOUG

(still flustered)- It’s good.

AMY

I think I'll go try it on.

DOUG

What?

AMY

It’s a clothing store Doug. They have fitting rooms here for a reason.

DOUG

You’re going to leave me?

AMY

Well, I don’t think they’d be happy if you came in the dressing room with me. What’s the big deal?

DOUG

I just hate being by myself in girls’ stores.

AMY

Why?

DOUG

I feel like such a creep. I keep thinking the guys from Lay and Order are going to bust in and cuff me.

AMY

You’re being ridiculous. I’m going to go try this on. You’ll be fine.

(Amy walks away to a dressing room with the bra leaving Doug by himself)

(ENTER VICTORIA’S SECRET EMPLOYEE)

(DOUG PACES AROUND IN A SMALL CIRCLE IN THE STORE. HE TURNS AROUND TO SEE THE OVERWEIGHT, THIRTY-SOMETHING VICTORIA’S SECRET EMPLOYEE FOLDING UNDERWEAR AND CHECKING HIM OUT)

EMPLOYEE

(lustily) Can I help you find something sir?

DOUG

(Flustered and Jumpy) What?

EMPLOYEE

Do you need any help?

DOUG

(stammering) oh no, I’m just, um, waiting for someone.

EMPLOYEE

(seductively eying him up and down) Well, I can be that someone if you’re looking for some…help.

DOUG

Oh, well thank you.

(Doug begins walking to a different part of the store. When he turns back the employee, still folding panties, looks up and winks at him. Doug hurries away, and inadvertently bumps into two high school aged girls)

DOUG

Oh, excuse me.

HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS

Creep!

(Doug hurries in another direction, but this time runs back into the Victoria’s Secret employee)

EMPLOYEE

Hey there, you. You still waiting for that...someone? (Pushes up to Doug so that her chest is just barely touching his arm)

DOUG

(completely flustered) No, I, um, I have to go!

(Doug runs out the entrance and sits on a bench)

ACT TWO

Scene3

INT. BENCH OUTSIDE OF VICTORIA’S SECRET IN SHOPPING MALL-NIGHT

(Doug, Amy)

(DOUG AND AMY ARE SEATED ON A BENCH OUTSIDE OF VICTORIAS SECRET. AMY IS HOLDING A VICTORIA’S SECRET BAD AND SITTING ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE BENCH FROM DOUG WITH AN ANGRY LOOK ON HER FACE. DOUG LOOKS HAGGARD)

AMY

I was looking all over the store for you.

DOUG

Sorry, I had to get out of there.

AMY

What happened!?

DOUG

I was some sketchy guy standing in a lingerie store! That was creepy enough. Then there were girls in there that are definitely not old enough to shopping at a place like that. And then, there was this…this…thing in there. Oh god, can she still see me? Cranes neck to look inside store. It was bad.

AMY

You’re ridiculous. I take you into a sexy place like, go to try on one bra, and you run out on me? Most guys would love to go lingerie shopping with their girlfriends.

DOUG

No man would want to go in there and face that beast.

AMY

Sighs. I think you just don’t find me attractive.

DOUG

What?

AMY

Does the idea of me wearing something sexy disgust you that much?

DOUG

Of course not!

AMY

You know, I would have bought more than just a bra if you had stayed in there. And I would have let you see me in it tonight when we get back.

DOUG

sounding somewhat renewed. Well, we could go back in! Just don’t leave me this time.

AMY

Nope, you had your chance.

DOUG

Come on!

AMY

Uh-uh. Not until you prove you can put aside your shyness. I’ll make you a bet though.

DOUG

What’s that?

AMY

If you go to the mall by yourself, and muster up the courage to walk into Victoria’s Secret, I’ll wear whatever you buy, and we can do whatever you want while I’m wearing it.

DOUG

You’ll wear anything I buy?

AMY

Anything. But, you have to get it by yourself. No taking Sam or someone else with you.

(Doug frowns) Come on, it’s getting late.

(Doug and Amy walk away from the bench)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT II

SCENE i

Doug and Chris are each sitting in a chair in their dorm room later that night. Doug has the TV and is flipping channels throughout.

Chris- So explain this to me one more time.

Doug- I told you. The next time we fool around...

Chris (stares incredulously)- And how did this come up?

Doug- When we were out shopping. She left me alone in a lingerie store….it was terrifying.

Chris (in a teasing manner) -What? Are you afraid of being surrounded by all those bras and thongs, man? Are you afraid you might pop one? You scared people might think you’re a perv who’s just hanging out in a girl’s store to get some sick thrill?

Doug- You're sick! pauses. Maybe…

Chris- I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like you have to accept her challenge. Do you really care that much about lingerie?

Doug- You see that’s the thing. It’s a huge turn on. I’m just afraid to buy it.

Chris- Does Amy already have anything?

Doug- Are you seriously asking me what kind of underwear my girlfriend wears?

Chris- Yeah, I’m gonna get off to the mental image of Amy.

Doug (shaking head)- She has a few thongs, but I get to see them like one a month, and that’s if I’ve been on my best behavior. Usually I’m in trouble, so I’ve seen her in a thong maybe four times since we started dating.

Chris (sarcastically)- Oh, only four times! How do you live?!

Doug- You’re the one that asked.

Chris- If you don’t want to go into the store why don’t you just shop online?

Doug- She’d probably say that’s cheating. With Amy, it’s all about proving my feelings for her. Taking the cheap cop out method wouldn’t go over too well. I have to suffer for her. Besides, have you seen lingerie prices? It’s like twenty dollars for a thong. Twenty dollars! For something that’s like two square inches of fabric! I can buy like four pairs of boxers for that much, and they cover a hell of a lot more than a thong. And I’m not adding, like, six dollars more for shipping and handling.

Chris- True. Now that would be some suffering.

Doug- Besides, you need a credit card to shop online and all I have is the one my mom gave me for emergencies. I doubt she’ll be thrilled to see a thirty dollar charge for lace panties.

Chris- Maybe you could knit her something.

Enter Ned, looking disheveled in cargo pants and a flannel shirt, his hair flattened with bed head.

Ned- Good morning gentlemen.

Chris looks at a clock, noting that it is 11:00 PM

Doug- Ned you’re awake! What’s the occasion?

Ned- Eh, I had some stuff to do. Besides, did I here you guys talking about thongs?

Doug- It’s a long story, but yes we were.

Ned- Sounds like fun.

Doug nods.

Chris- Hey Star Wars is on.

Doug- It’s kinda late to start a movie now isn’t it?

Chris- It’s only eleven

Doug- Yea but I have to get up at like 8:00 tomorrow, Amy likes to be at the gym before it opens.

Chris- But tomorrow’s Saturday!

Doug- Oh yeah! Maybe she’ll let me sleep in. Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Star Wars.

Doug and Chris go silent for a moment as they watch the movie.

Doug- Hmm.

Chris- What?

Doug- You know what’s really sexy. Like hotter than any piece of lingerie ever?

Chris- What’s that?

Doug- You know that gold bikini Princess Leia wears in Return of the Jedi?

Chris- Are you serious?

Doug- Hell yes! Come on, you’ve seen that movie. Wouldn’t you sleep with Princess Leia?

Chris (thinks for a moment)- Yea, I’d hit it.

Sam walks in through the open door.

Sam - I knew you guys were huge nerds! Star Wars turns you on? Really?! winks. Nice...

Chris- Oh, Hey Sam.

Doug- No way! It's just that Leia's gold bikini is, is...amazing.

Sam rolls her eyes

Doug- If I could find a place that had Star Wars Gold Bikinis, I might actually go and buy one.

Chris- Where the hell are you going to find a place that sells replica sci-fi lingerie?

Ned calls from the other room off camera

Ned- Dude, the campus theater company is doing a musical version of Star Wars this month. Get the gold bikini they're using.

Doug (whispering to Chris)- Sometimes I’m afraid of how much he’s overheard in here. (Calls to Ned) How’d you find about this, Ned?

Ned- (as he walks back through the doorway) E-mail.

Sam walks over and sits in front of computer with Ned's already open e-mail page

Sam- What, Ned? No porn? No "Hot Asian Chick of the Month" newsletters?

Ned- Nope. That's next month.

Doug- Ned, I swear I’d be lost without you. But I guess we don’t know if they’ll actually have a gold bikini.

Sam- I can't find this e-mail you speak of.

Ned- No need. Paragraph two, line three. Quote, "there will even be a gold bikini!", end quote.

Doug- Damn, he’s good. I just wish there was a way to get a hold of that thing!

Chris- You want to steal it?

Doug- Are you serious?

Chris- Yea. How hard can it be? It’s something you think is hot. I’m sure going through the trouble of breaking into the theatre and stealing their props would be enough suffering to satisfy Amy.

Doug- Would you help me?

Sam- I will!

Doug and Chris look at each other quizzically.

Sam- What? I like a good robbery every now and then.

Chris- I'm in. I got nothing better to do.

Doug- Sweet! We’re going to steal this thing!

ACT II

SCENE ii

Doug and Chris are in their suite during the daytime a few days later. Doug is seated facing a wall with a whiteboard on it, which Chris is standing next to, ready to draw a diagram.

Chris- Okay, I think I have this all figured out.

Doug- Alright, let's see it.

Chris- Well, I explored the performing arts building this morning after my music production class.

Cut to flashback for Chris inside a sound recording room, with classmates leaving front door. "Sneaky" Jazz music from Ocean's Eleven soundtrack plays in background.

Chris- Supposedly, theres only one door in and out of the sound recording room, but, I discovered that there's an old back door that's now covered by some of that sound-proofing foam stuff.

Flashback shows Chris peeling back sound-proof foam after class leaves.

Chris- That door leads to an equipment room for the concert band that doesn't look like it's been used in a long time

Flash back shows Chris stumbling through a dark closet full of old and broken musical insturments.

Chris- The front door of that closet opens up to a hallway that runs from behind that band practice room and the theatre wing.

Flashback shows Chris peeking his head out from the closet door and emerging into the hallway

Chris- Unfortunately, the door to the theater wing is locked. But the doors they installed last year have a wide gap in them. Just slide your average credit card through the crack and you can push the bolt back, jiggle the handle, and you're in.

Flashback shows Chris fiddling with the locked doors and opening them

Doug- How did you learn that trick?

Chris- Come on man, we're from North Jerz. Remember? We don't mess around!

Doug- True.

Chris- So yeah, once you get through the doors it gets tricky. There's one main hallway, with the doors to the theater stage on the right and some offices on the left. And a lot of "arty" types...kinda hard for us to fit in.

Flashback shows Chris walking through main corridor, making grimaces when passing by students with stringy dyed hair and odd outfits.

Chris- At the end of the hallway, there's the room where they store props and costumes. I'm pretty sure that's what we want.

Doug- I'd assume so.

Chris- But, it's got an old fashioned key lock; I could probably pick it if I had my good equipment, but it's at home.

Flashback shows Chris trying to pick lock with a paper clip. Flashback ends. Returns to Chris and Doug in their dorm. The white board now has an indecipherable, scribbled diagram on it.

Doug- Well, I'm guessing there will be some kind of casting tryouts this week?

Ned (off camera)- This Wednesday for girls, Thursday for guys.

Doug (gives a surprised look to Chris)- Campus e-mail, Ned?

Ned (off camera)- Dude, you really need to start reading that thing.

Doug (mumbling)- Obviously.

Chris- Right. So, Wednesday night when they're doing casting for women, they'll probably use some props and the closet will be open. We'll just slip in through the commotion, grab the bikini, and slip out the way we came in.

Doug- So you're having me sneak through hidden doorways and abandoned closets, just hoping no one notices us walking into the closet and stealing a costume?

Chris- That's the plan Doug. You can't change the plan. The plan is what it is.

Doug stares with a blank expression, then speaks.

Doug- What do we do if one of the directors or something comes back and sees us sneaking in.

Chris- Hmm... I didn't think of that. I figured we could talk our way out of things if we ran into a student. But if a professor comes back, we might be screwed.

Doug- We could wait 'til Thursday, and one of us could actually audition. The person auditioning could warn the person sneaking in if the director goes in the back.

Chris- Yeah, but that's the day after girls' auditions. The bikini might be gone by then.

Doug- What does the girls' auditions being over have to do with the bikini being gone? I mean, it's a costume closet, isn't it? Don't costumes stay in the costume closet?

Chris- Look, we don't have time to debate this, the plan is for Wednesday night. You can't change the plan.

Doug- I'd still feel better if we had someone on the inside, to warn us.

Chris- Get Amy to audition.

Doug- I can't ask Amy to help me steal the Gold Bikini. That'd be the e as having her go into the store with me.

Chris- I guess you'll just have to risk it.

Doug (stares pensively for a moment)- Wait! I know! We can get Sam to do it.

Chris- Sam? She doesn't exactly seem like the...uh...bikini-clad, theater type. I doubt she'd want to audition for a musical.

Doug- Eh, I'll bribe her or something. I think this could work!

ACT II

SCENE iii

Doug is leaning against a chair in Sam's room while Sam lounges on her bed.

Sam- You want me to do what?!

Doug- You just have to audition. It's not like you have to try hard or anything. You won't even get the part, I swear.

Sam- So you want me to audition for a role in Star Wars the Musical to create a distraction while you and Chris sneak into the back and steal a gold bikini?

Doug- Right. You would have your cell phone on in your jacket or something with speaker phone on, and we'd be listening. If you notice any official people going back where we'd be, you'd say some kind of code word to warn us.

Sam- Riiiight. And this is because Amy made a bet that you wouldn't go into a lingerie store by yourself to buy something?

Doug- Yes.

Sam- And hatching some crazy scheme to steal from the school will simultaneously prove your love for her and allow you to avoid your irrational fear of being alone in womens' clothing stores?

Doug- That's right.

Sam (puts her face in her hands and shakes her head)- Is everyone from Jersey as nuts as you?

Doug- Of course.

Sam- So if you, and Chris and I are all in on this, how do you keep it a secret from Amy?

Doug- I haven't thought that far ahead yet. Are you in?

Sam- Well, I said I would help, but this is all a teeny bit off-base...What's in it for me?

Doug- Umm, anything you want?

Sam- BS. We both know you don't have anything that I want.

Doug- To be honest, I don't even know what you would want. I'm just asking for a favor. I don't really have anything to offer.

Sam- Well, I am taking a history course next semester. I'm sure there might be a few papers. You think you could steer me in the right direction when the time comes? winks.

Doug- Of course.

Sam- Okay, we have a deal. grins devilishly

Enter Amy

Amy- Deal about what?

Doug- Um, just a deal that I won't...steal...her...packs of gum.

Amy- shocked. He steals your packs of gum?!

Sam- Uh... Oh yeah! I caught him sneaking in here, trying to take my gum. shrugs. Happens all the time.

Doug- nodding ashamed. It's true, I'm a gum fiend. Can't get enough of it.

Amy (rolls her eyes)- Whatever. Doug, can I see you a moment please?

Doug- Sure.

Amy and Doug step into the hallway between the rooms of the suite.

Amy- Promise you won't get mad?

Doug- I promise.

Amy- Well, I was talking to Raj today, and he's got this big biochemistry test to study for. Would you mind if I spent most of my nights this week at the library helping him study. I promise it will be completely platonic.

Doug- Oh yeah, sure. Go right ahead. Take as much time as you need. Actually, if you guys get hungry or something, go out to eat. It's fine, I swear.

Amy- Really?

Doug- Oh yeah, take as much time as you need.

Amy- Wow, you're taking this a lot better than I expected.

Doug- Well, you know, life's too short to get worked up over small things.

Amy- I agree. By the way, have you been back to the lingerie store yet?

Doug- Not yet.

Amy- I figured. Sucks for you. You could have me wearing anything you wanted.

Doug- I will.

Amy- Fat chance!

Doug- looking mischievous. You'll find out, sooner than you think.

ACT III

SCENE i

Doug and Chris are dressed in all black with trench coats on, and are sneaking around outside the sound recording room in the theater building. Chris is wearing a bluetooth head-set.

Chris- Okay. I think we're all set. Sam is second in line for the audition, so by the time we get to the tricky part she should be in position.

into the bluetooth. Sam, if you can still hear us, cough once. (pause) Yea, she hears us. Thank you Sam.

Doug- Does she remember the code phrase?

Chris- begrudgingly, into the bluetooth. Sam, if you remember what you're supposed to say if you see people coming towards us, cough twice. (pause) to Doug. Yeah she knows, let's stop bothering her before the other people in line thinks she has Pneumonia.

Chris unlocks to door to the recording room.

Chris- Us music people get all the perks...like keys to the recording room.

Doug- You...are the man.

The two of them go inside. Ocean's Eleven theme music begins to play again. Chris takes out a flashlight and begins to peel back the foam covering the hidden doorway.

Doug- I can't believe you figured out this door was here.

Chris- without stopping what he's doing. I'm sneaky like that.

Doug and Chris slip in through the hidden door into the closet.

Doug- I thought this was supposed to enter into the main hallway.

Chris- No, don't you remember the diagram I drew?

Doug sighs and shakes his head. The two stumble around in the dark, Doug kicks something and screams, quite high-pitched, in pain.

Chris- Dude. You still totally scream like a chick.

Doug gives him a dirty look.

Finally they reach the other door. Chris opens it a crack and peers through.

Chris (whispering)- The coast looks clear.

Doug- Lets go!

Doug and Chris run out of the closet and make their way over to the double door entrance to the theater area. Before they reach it, a group of five band members walks by them and gives them suspicious looks because of their strange attire. Chris and Doug walk around innocently as if nothing is up.

Doug- Crap! One of those girls is in my history class. I probably look like such a creep right now

Chris- Dude, we're breaking into a school building to steal a bikini, what part of that isn't creepy?

Doug- Yeah.

Chris and Doug reach the doors. Chris pauses and touches his earpiece for a moment.

Chris- Okay. Sounds like Sam has started the audition. Let's move.

Cut to Sam awkwardly standing in front of a panel of auditioners.

Sam- nervously. Um. Hi. I'm Sam Calaveri, and I guess I'm trying out for the part of Princess Leia... So, Uh. Here it goes!

Chris and Doug have slipped into the theater hallway, which is a mad house of activity, with many "artsy-looking" people milling about. Chris and Doug go unnoticed; their odd attire seemingly fitting right in. They dodge a few strange looking people, with Doug appearing mortified at their sight. Eventually they make their way to the back where the costume closet door is wide open.

Doug- We made it! Anything from Sam?

Chris- laughs. Nah. She's singing!

Cut to close-up of Sam belting scales, looking horrified.

Doug- looks surprised. Wow. Alright, lets just grab this thing and get out.

Chris and Doug enter the closet and begin rummaging through the costumes and props. Eventually Doug finds it.

Doug- I found it! holds up the bikini in all its splendor.

Chris- Money green! Let's bounce.

Doug peers out of the closet, then dives back into it

Doug- Crap!

Chris- Whats wrong?

Doug- Raj is out there. He must be friends with one of these actor people. He's blocking our way out.

Chris- Damnit! So, I guess we'll just have to hide here and wait him out. exasperated. You and your enemies, man...

Cut to scene of Sam sitting in chair on the main stage, with two male upperclassmen, the directors of the play, sitting across from her

Directer 1- You did a great job tonight, Miss Calaveri!

Sam- with false bashfulness. Oh, thanks. I try.

Director 2- You realize that if you get the part you would have to wear some costumes that might be rather uncomfortable at times.

Sam- I'm cool with that.

Director 1- Great, we'll show you some of the costumes. I'll go to the storage room and bring them out here.

Sam (nonchalantly; not meaning it)- Gee, I really hope I get the part.

Cut to Chris and Doug hiding in closet

Chris- Crap, that's the signal. They're on their way.

Doug- Damn, Raj is still out there!

Doug peers outside again

Doug- Wait, there's another door across the hall. Where's that lead to?

Chris- I think that goes to the stage and auditorium.

Doug- The auditorium should be fairly dark. I think we could make it.

Chris- This wasn't part of the plan!

Without hesitation, Doug darts out of the closet and across the hallway, Chris reluctantly follows. The go through the door and onto the backstage area of the auditorium. They pass the directors along the way, who don't pay any attention to young men.

Cut to Sam sitting on stage, bored. Suddenly, she notices the curtains moving and hears rapid footsteps. She turns her head to see two shadowy figures running down some steps that lead to the auditorium.

Cut to Doug and Chris walking quickly up a side ramp towards the back of the auditorium

Director 1 (off camera)- Hey! The golden bikini is missing!

Random theatre student 1- I saw some strange-looking kids snooping around back here. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Random student 2- They were headed towards the auditorium.

Chris- turning to Doug- Run!

Chris and Doug run towards the back of the auditorium, but a spotlight is turned on and begins to sweep over the darkened seats. The two are spotted. Doug's trenchcoat flies open revealing the golden bikini bottom he is holding over his waist, while Chris's jacket flies open to reveal him clutching the bikini top over his chest.

Director 2- Stop right there!

Doug- to Chris. We are so screwed!

The people in the auditorium start snickering as the directors grab the bikini back and escort the boys out of the stage area as they try to explain themselves.

Chris- This is a total misunderstanding! laughs nervously. I mean, Let us explain.

Doug- You see, my girlfriend dared me...and, and...she needs something sexy to wear...and...

Chris nudges him violently.

Doug- to Chris. What?!

Cut to Sam shaking her head.

ACT III

SCENE ii

Doug, Chris, and Amy are getting ready to go to a performance of Star Wars the Musical. They are in Chris and Doug's room about to leave

Chris- Man, I can't believe Sam actually got the part!

Doug- I can't believe she actually accepted it...

Amy- I can't believe you two were caught sneaking around the auditorium in bikinis!

Doug- We WERE NOT in bikinis! And we were just trying to see how she did.

Chris- Yeah, I don't know why they made such a big deal out of it

Amy- Ugh, I don't even want to know. Let's go. Sam is branching out and trying new things on campus. We should support her.

Doug- That's the least we can do, I guess.

Amy- What's that supposed to mean?

Doug- Nothing.

Chris- He stole more of her gum.

Doug glares at him. Amy shakes her head in confusion.

Cut to scene of Doug, Chris, and Amy sitting in the auditorium watching the musical.

Doug- Wow, this is really good!

Chris- Yeah, they actually did an okay job.

Amy- Quiet! The Return of the Jedi act is about to begin.

The three sit quietly for a few moments.

Cut to scene of Sam in gold bikini outfit emerging onto the stage

Chris- Holy Crap!

Doug- Oh...my...god.

Amy- Wow. Sam is...a girl.

Cut to scene of Doug and Chris's jaws dropped in amazement, pan to Amy glaring at them

Cut to scene of Sam standing on stage smiling, preparing to deliver her lines

Amy-(off camera, internal monologue) - I could wear that. I could look better than her in that. I wonder if Sam could steal that for me?

ACT III

SCENE iii

Doug and Chris are standing outside of the Performing Arts building waiting to greet Sam after her performance. Amy is off-camera for the moment.

Chris- to Doug. Sorry we couldn't actually get the bikini for you, man.

Doug- That's okay. At least Sam looked amazing in it

Chris- Yeah she did!

Doug- I guess I'll just have to suck it up and brave Victoria's Secret again. sighs.

Enter Amy

Amy- I found Sam.

Enter Sam wearing jeans and a hooded sweatshirt.

Doug- Hey Sam, you did a great job tonight!

Amy- You were wonderful.

Chris- That acting was for real!

Sam- Thanks so much guys! It was actually kinda fun. Maybe I should try this acting stuff out again at some point...not in the too near future, though.

Amy- You definitely should.

Doug- You were great up there.

Amy- That gold bikini looked amazing on you!

Chris- swallows hard. You have no idea...

Doug elbows Chris. Sam gives him a strange look.

Doug- So, you guys want to go and get some food?

Amy- Yeah, I'm starving.

The four begin to walk away

Sam- Hey, Doug can I talk to you for a sec?

Doug- Sure!

Doug falls back from the pack to confer with Sam

Sam- grins mischievously. I've got a surprise for you.

Doug- What's that?

Sam reaches under her sweatshirt to reveal a bag. She opens it, revealing the gold bikini.

Doug- Oh my god! You are amazing! Thank You!

Sam smiles. Doug gives her a big hug and takes the bag. He runs up to where Amy and Chris are walking.

Doug- Hey Amy, remember our little wager?

Amy- Yes?

Doug removes the gold bikini from the bag and smiles

Amy- Where did you get that?

Chris- HOW did you get that?!

Doug- I took care of it. I went through a lot, and I didn't cave and drag someone with me to a lingerie store or order it online.

Amy- I'm impressed.

Doug- So, I believe I have a reward coming to me...

Amy- Chris, Sam, go to dinner without us, and...take as much time as you want.

Amy and Doug walk away towards the dorms. Chris and Sam shake their heads in disgust watching them go.

Chris- So...they don't have spares back there or anything, do they?

Sam shoves him.

Correct Podcast

2008-04-14T10:40:00.001-07:00

http://www.archive.org/details/Podcast_745

Every year, the College Union Board organizes a concert for TCNJ students. This year, students were given the chance to vote for the band that they wanted to see. The votes were tallied, and the students’ message was clear. Thus, Third Eye Blind is coming to TCNJ. My first reaction upon hearing this news, other than cringing at the thought of how a concert in the acoustic nightmare of the REC center will sound, was one of excitement. I didn’t think it was possible for TCNJ to get a well know band to come here. However, my second thought was “Wow! Third Eye Blind is still around?” After doing some research, I found that the California alternative rockers haven’t released an album since 2003, and have not had a major commercial success since the Turn of the Century. Furthermore, the last time Third Eye Blind had a song on the top of the Modern Rock Tracks chart was 1997’s “Semi-Charmed Life.” For those of you counting, that’s eleven years since the band had a major hit. That’s right, CUB is bringing you a band that hasn’t been popular since a time when the Red Sox were still cursed, South Park, King of the Hill, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer were all in their first seasons, and thongs were confined to Brazilian beaches.
I do have to give Third Eye Blind credit, however; their music does have longevity. If I turn on PLJ, Z100, or any other Top-40 format commercial radio station, “Jumper,” “How’s it Going to Be?,” or some other catchy, poppy, Third Eye Blind tune will invariably be played within an hour or two. That’s more than I can say for a lot of other artists. Good luck finding a station that still plays The Baha Men, Bloodhound Gang, or Lou Bega today. Of course the band playing here will be quite different than the one that dropped all those hits back in the late nineties. Vocalist Stephan Jenkins is the only current member remaining from Third Eye Blind’s self-titled debut album. Thus, I am left asking, were all those people in the Students Center lined up to buy tickets part of a Third Eye Blind revival, or just out to re-live their glory days of elementary school? I, for one, am going to embrace this stroll down memory lane. So please, don’t call me, page me if you want tickets, but I might be busy surfing the World Wide Web using Netscape navigator. Assuming I can pry myself away from Seinfeld and Friends I’ll definitely go, and Afterwards we can fire up the N-64, play some goldeneye, and party like its 1997.

Podcast

2008-04-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.archive.org/details/Podcast4142008

new project

2008-03-27T16:18:00.001-07:00

My news piece, with Jaime Riccio, is about clubs on campus here at TCNJ. The piece covers two groups that are interested in becoming clubs, as well as one that has just been approved.
It also has an interview with an SGA member.

opening post

2008-03-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Hellow all. I'm Steven Elliott, this is my blog for Com 270 with Professor Carbonaro. Soon there will be a voice recording posted here, but for now this blog will be primarily text based. As this is class is about writing for broadcast, hopefull my writing style will improve in the coming weeks. Thanks for checking this blog out.